upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
