Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
