i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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