His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
