Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
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