yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
