I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
