Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
