Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
