I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
