i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
