The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
