Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
