piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize