we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
We got so high we made milksteak
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
