woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize