I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
So many bounce houses so little time
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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