FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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