I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
