I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
