glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
