I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
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