we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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