I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize