Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
