Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
