she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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