Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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