You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
