The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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