I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
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