On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
