I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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