Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
