Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
