I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
