Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
