"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
