Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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