you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize