My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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