she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
