He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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