my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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