all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
