He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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