Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
