I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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