I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
