You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
we have pet lesbian snakes
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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