so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
