FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
