I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
