I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Randomize
