Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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