i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
