No stitches, just platelets and will power
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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