Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
