Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
